Living Water

Sometimes I just feel like I'm not much... of anything. It's like I have alot to offer but it's not utilized by anything or anyone, well there are people who do utilize what I have to give but it's like in nature there is a give an take relationship with things. The flowers continue to grow because the bees come and drink nector, and carry pollen see it's a give and take... and what may I ask happens to the flowers if the bees don't come, or vice versa. HELP ME

I feel so off it's ridiculous. I can't eat but i'm hungry, I'm tired but I can't sleep and I just woke up, I'm lonely but I WANT to be alone ooh I'm just restless. I didn't get to go to my little job interiview thingy today :(
Lemme explain the real reason why I feel so downnnnnnnnnnnnnn. It's like I want to flee (lmaooooo at flee for two reasons) I want so badly to flee from this environment and get that apartment with those friends but how can I without a job and me getting a job keeps getting pushed back, I just wanna go, I feel like the place I'm at has grown sick of me anyway, annnnd on top of all that it's like everyone around me has someone, like someone right there to say be with them so they won't feel alone, my ties are not that tangible. I know I should be greatful but this is just how I feel right now theres more but that's all I care to share right now

Before I get into everything first I need to say that I really need to begin trying to do yoga I hear it's so freeing and peaceful ugg I wish my environment was more conducive to doing yoga and Ti-Chi, but it's kinda hard to be at peace when bay bay's kids stay outside and my sidewalks stay littered with trash :( sad. On to today's topic tho So today Cherokee posted a blog venting about his mom and I know all about their relationship and I know what he's saying is true and this ties into me because me and my mom go through things too, and while the situations aren't exactly the same there are similarities, which tie into the title listen. It's been my theme song lately see i've been listening to the lyrics and what not and it's been more and more fitting for me these past few days and weeks and then recently I watched Dreamgirls which further made me see that the song applied to me because Deena, Beyonce character was very much molded into what someone else wanted her to be and she didn't really know who she was until she found her voice and had to make the tough move and assert herself as who she was and all she wanted Curtis to do was listen. And this so applies to me especially when she says, "I'm done believing you, you don't know what I'm feeling" the you don't konw what i'm feeling part is so true cuz it's like they (parents) think they know you and they think they know what you're feeling and thinking and they often times don't especially mine cuz I don't let her in to much but she still think she know about me. I can't post the video that I want but yea I think you guys get the point so as always peace and blessings goodnight

Okay, so this is phase one of what I said in my last blog i'm getting outta this house and getting a job and spreading my wings (And so is my bro... he just don't know it yet) but yes okay so this is the story. I was with my friends Tyquan, Moses, and Darwin, and we were just out having lunch and just having guys day out soooo Moses and Tyquan (who are in a relationship) are looking for apts. so we went to view some models of some nice apts on the southeast side of Houston, really close to my school (T.S.U.) and while there we saw how nice they were but i wasn't really saying anything then tyquan was like it would be fun if you were here with us so me and Darwin started thinking. First I was like naww cuz I don't have a job and I need money for this kinda thing cuz it takes a little to move into somewhere ya know lol so yea then they was like oh we can get you put on at the job that we about to work at cuz you get hired on the spot etc. etc. and you start off making like $8.50 an hour so i'm like boom. The only other issue we have is we did kinda just meet and Myself, Tyquan, and Moses (and soon to come my bro) feel like we can get along easily like easily.... but Darwin we don't quite know sooooooooo yea and then theres mamma but what can she say I'm 18 lol this update kinda quick from the time that I last said I'd be getting out but hey God is a mysterious being. Any way I'm a little scared of being able to handle all my responsibilities but I know i'm capable and willing and wanting to do what I have to do to get where I want you know I don't even know why I'm scared cuz we sit here and we talk about ooooh I walk in light, and V-power, and P-power and S-power, and GOD power but then we act like we don't know we got it when it comes to things like this and big life decisions. We act like God will actually LET US fall I need to just face my fears and keep my life moving in an upward and foward direction thank you for reading

Peace & Blessings

I had to take some words from another song today yall (You know I love music more than a sane person should) it's the title, "I know ya down, but when ya gone get up". That little quote is directed at me and anyone else who may need some motivation and it's basically saying yea we have problems with our mothers, yea the world ain't fair, yea it's still homophobes, and racist, I see you down but, when you gone get up. Like me for example, I know i'm not gone get aloooot of help from my mamma especially if she don't "Feel" like it soooo I gotta do my own little thing and get my own little job and what not so that I can make the things I want to happen, happen. Cuz Goal num 1 is getting outta here i'm starting a new thing RIGHT NOW, I'm gonna do blog updates and me and my bro's update to getting our own place starting with our trying to get our jobs. Any way peace and blessings, I'm finna go work on getting on this debate team Bye

Everyone has a mother and the relationships with those mothers vary. Well we're gonna talk about mine today. She stresses me out sooooo much, the way she talks to me, the fact that she never really seems interested in helping me but wants to reap the benefits of anything good around me I just don't know about this one. She makes me feel like she doesn't want me to be here, however she acts as if she doesn't want me to leave. And ya know I think the only reason she wants me here is because it's convinent to have me run to the store, or to go help with the groceries, or whatever other manual labor that I do around here. Oh and all the worse the motherf*ckin worse (lol Waiting To Exhale reference) she expects me to do things that i've never done and that I don't know how to do and that everyone else around me including her has had help doing. Like she'll just tell me to go get a job and I'm like how bout you take me job hunting... naw don't have time for or feel like doing that but want it done, matter fact that's her trademark phrase, "I want this kitchen clean, I want that car cleaned out, or etc, etc but ain't ever done anything her self. But yea it's just stressful and i'm tired of being here in this rat hole apartment it's horrible I KNOW for a fact that their are a multitude of people who are worse off than me but this is the life I lead I gotta end this by saying I'm trying for greatness and I'm headed for it too, I'm about to be an official college student and I'm determined to graduate with my Doctored when all is said and done however at this point in my life I feel like I have one foot in greatness and one foot in a mess Me and my brother need to get a job so we can a place get some of tha things we want and then get tha f*ck out and I mean that. Thank you for reading if ya did lol

This is such a random post but hey it's how I feel, and that's what this thing is all about right... right. So I'm sitting here at my desk on this computer, it's Saturday night and I feel alone. You know sometimes we as people replace the word lonely with bored, and we go out and party and club and drink and dance or just go out anywhere to take our minds off the fact that we are by ourselves. I live with two people one of which CAN'T understand me and doesn't really care to try (My mother) and one of which is too young to get my feelings (My sister). I really don't like being a burden to my friends cuz they go through the same things so it's like preaching to the choir and it gets redundant. Then on top of all that I refuse to do those things that may grab attention or take my mind off of it like posting outta line pics on those social networking sites (Myspace, BGC, Adam4Adam, etc etc.) and I refuse to just "Act out" like some do I know much better than that I just don't like my situation as of now. But i'll keep these words in mind and hopefully any one who's reading this and going through the same things can benefit from them too. Teedra Moses said in her song "For a lifetime", "A heart that's pure won't be denied". Let's keep our hearts pure and know that greatness will come.

Sometimes, when I'm with my group at T.S.U. (I'm in their summer academy) and I see how talented some of my brothers are, I feel like... *Get Ready*... EMPTY. I know that I shouldn't, and I know I have sooo much to offer, however what do you when what YOU HAVE goes unacknowledged? Now i'm all for giving the next man props lol and if you know me I stay doing it but can I get some reciprocity??? Orrrrr do you just not see anything great in me ? These are just my thoughts on today what I felt, and bit kinda what went on. I felt so neutral today not sad not happy just neutral. Any way I had to just get that out, on a brighter note we had a very enlightening discussion today and I felt I learned alot from talking to the Mentor I love walking away from a situation feeling like I've grown if only a little

Walking, breathing, loving, grieving... water
moving, soothing, healing, crusing... water

I let my thoughts rain out, dripping down the windows of YOUR mind
and wash away the impending doom of winding time
I pour over your body's garden, making it rich and fertile, though when neglected
I become as barren and frigid as snow
I splash my people back to life with my conscious mind
gently washing away doubt at the same time
I am Son of God & The Moon
So raindrops are my daughters
I Am... Living Water